Dear Blog Judiy

i love you

Still

hi

Dear Judiy,
So here I am once again with you. It isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I might want to pour my heart out. Reveal it’s contents; pour them on your floor. I have no one else to really talk abput this. They’ll think I’m ridiculous.

Why should I care about what they think? Well, because I care about them. But this isn’t this point of this rant. If its even a rant. You see the point of my rant is that I love him.

I do not think I’ll ever get over him. Yesterday I read his messages. Well, our old messages. Saw a side of us that has been long gone. Or atleast we don’t show any more. But you brought out a side of me that I was afraid to show before.

You were this only person who that i remember that could tolerate me being myself. You ‘let me think that I was beautiful just the way I am. You made me fall in love with you. Now I miss you.

But, if you were leading me on tht really isn’t nice. Because now I can’t see myself getting over you.

I remember the last time you said you love me. But w.e I’m going to go. Why do I feel like my hands are tied behindmy back. I’m scared to be myself. I’m actually scared of tons of things.

Ps. I know I’m dramatic/lame, and that could have been what brought using apart; me.

Dear J,

Lately thoughts have been coming to my head about me being alone forever. They are getting stronger and stronger. I recently realized I don’t want to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be married because I would never want to put anyone through the stress of having to deal with me. I also realized, I honestly do not believe any guy could truly ever love me. None of them. I for who I am can not be loved. 

One reason why I feel this way is because one way or the other whatever guy I am with they’re going to find someone better than me. Someone prettier, someone smarter, someone nicer, someone more amazing, someone less lamer, there will always be someone better than I am.

Another reason; I’ve only been in love once in my life, I’ve only fell in love with one guy, I’ve only been interested in being with one freaking person, I’ve never truly had a real crush on anyone but this one guy, how will I ever find another person that I feel the same with? 

Also, why would a guy like me? A lot of people say that I am pretty, but I’m not that pretty. Also, looking pretty isn’t something I care too much about. I honestly am fine with the way I look, I don’t mind being unattractive. What I do mind is that guys like pretty people, they’re like soo much about the looks; looks that I barely have. I honestly believe that all girls are equally beautiful, unless they have like something unnatural done to them (They’re either more attractive or in most cases less). Now there are some girls that you look at and the first thing that you might think is, “they’re sooo pretty” and then there are those girls that eventually you gradually begin to notice how beautiful they are. Overall I believe that are girls are equally beautiful. BUT, I don’t know why, but every girl I see, I feel as if they’re prettier than I am.

Also, guys like girls with confedence, and I have barely any confidence at all. I always hear the saying; no one will love you until you love yourself. Well to tell you the truth, I don’t like me. I just don’t, and I don’t know if that will ever change. People always tell me; You need to love yourself more. But how? How I do love myself more? I do love some things about me, but I could never be satisfying to anyone else, I could never be worth anyone else. I am not just saying this to like self pity myself or because I’m like currently mad at myself or whatever. I’m saying this because I really think that it’s true. I know who I truly am, and from know who I am I know that I can not be likable.

It even makes me upset when I people tell me that they like me. Because I know that that is telling me I haven’t been true to them, that they know nothing about me. I just want to yank them back and forth and yell in their faces, “You do Not LIKE ME!” The other day my teacher said that I seem like an all around amazing person, and I suddenly felt bad; knowing how untrue that statement was. I mean, I suck, no matter how much anyone one may deny it. Because it’s true, and I know myself more than anyone. I just suck.

But you know, Allah knows best. I’m either here to fail or succeed. I will live until I die, and God only knows what my fate is to be in this life and the hereafter. But, as far as I can I don’t think I will get married. And I’ll just like be forever a virgin (lol). I probably won’t have kids (no matter how much I want them). I’ll just be one of those sister’s who study until they die. And my life in this world will be over very very soon. So hopefully I do all of the right things with the time that I have.

Dear J,

I forgot to tell you, I was first sending letters towards a person I know, occasionally I might send letters to him every now and then. Just saying so that you don’t get confused. =p

Dear J,

I’d like to talk a lot more, but I got to go, I have sooooo much work due by Monday (I’m toast!)